From Facades to Genuine Relationships. How to create depth through your stories.

TUNE IN TO LEARN: 
 
When my facade of perfection crumbled, the unexpected happened—I connected more deeply with those around me. 
 
On today's episode, I talk about one profound lesson learned when I embraced my imperfections and started telling different stories. 
 
 
We've been conditioned to present our best selves, but what if our truest, unpolished stories are the real bridges to meaningful interactions? 
 
 
Deep friendships and life-long partnerships? 
 
Since we were kids we've been made to believe that hiding our flaws is the way to go. 

But what if reversing this can not only enhance our relationships but also make us more interesting and relatable? 
 
There's strength found in vulnerability, the kind that fosters trust and creates the foundations for happiness. 
 
It's an episode for anyone who's felt the pain of disconnect and yearns for relationships that are as real and textured as the life that shapes us. 

Transcript

Embracing Vulnerabilities in Communication

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of your Brain's Coach podcast. My name is Angela Sharina, I'm your host, I'm your Brain's Coach and it is my job here to bring to you all the best cutting-edge, recent, most useful and sometimes fun brain-body tools so you could take better control of your thoughts, of your actions, of your emotions, so you could shape your life experience as your soul, as your true self desires. Today, folks, we are continuing our communication theme. So on Monday we talked about feedback and how it is important to learn how to give the right kind of feedback, how to get the right kind of feedback so we all can change and grow and ultimately create better world, create better solutions and improve and move forward so much faster, instead of getting defensive and getting into our shell and stopping our own development, stopping our own progress and stopping the development and progress of other people. And if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably someone with a leadership mindset, you are someone who is interested in improving, impacting the world positively, and if you want to do that, you're going to have to learn how to give and get feedback in order, again, to get the reflection of your actions and to also help others to see the reflection of their actions and their behavior and their results. So again, together we could grow and create a beautiful world together. So feedback, that was a theme on Monday, today, on Wednesday or whatever the day is when you're listening to this podcast.

Speaker 1 1:53

Today we are continuing the communication theme and we're talking about telling stories, which shows our vulnerabilities and imperfections and work in progress. You know, sometime back I'm going to tell you a story. Sometimes back I received feedback. A friend of mine told me Angela, you come out as a person with no flaws, who has it all figured out, and it's really hard to connect with you like that, because then you feel well, this person doesn't need anything, she has everything figured out and she probably wouldn't even waste them on someone who is imperfect or still figuring things out. But also also, it made me look uninteresting. It's like you're a robot of some sort a machine. Did you think about that? Have you thought about that? That what makes us interesting is actually all of our peculiarities and unique things that are not perfections at all, but more like those flaws when you see on a beautiful piece of art or cup that makes it just imperfect enough to make it interesting and distinct and beautiful and just fascinating to look at Our journey, our work in progress of our funny sides of personalities, how we approach the world and our funny interpretations of the world, figuring it out, the messy part. That's what makes us interesting.

Speaker 1 3:45

And since I was a kid, for example and probably that's to some degree true for you as well when we're kids, we're usually praised for the good behaviors, for getting it right, and not so much for being in the mess and figuring out and stumbling right. Everyone is cheering us on when we are walking as kids, not when we're falling and getting ourselves up falling again, trying to learn how to walk. And so, since we are kids to a lesser or bigger degree, we're conditioned to show more of these accomplishments, of things that we've achieved, or of more of perfect things. And we grow up and start thinking, or even being convinced, to the core of our beliefs, something that becomes such an ingrained part of us that we don't even see it. At least, that was a truth for me. So we start believing that the world only needs accepts and interested in that perfect side of us well-dressed, smiling with confidence, rest, smiling with confidence, having it all figured out, and for me it meant that from that point on I started to project into the world this perfect side and I almost never talked to anyone about those things that I was working on figuring out and the mess-ups, the things that I'm still not sure of and I'm uncertain of, and all these messy parts of me I would not show to anyone. And that's how I got that feedback. That felt ouch, but it also was true and since then I gradually started to lean into my vulnerable, my society and I just lean into that, but showing it to others that I don't have things figured out, that I am struggling in some areas, that I'm still working on a lot of things personally, in my relationships, in my personality, in my business A lot of things I'm still figuring out.

Speaker 1 6:09

Also, being a coach, you kind of want also your clients to look up to you and of course you've got to have tools. And of course, being a coach for 15 years, I got experience and I got tools and I got figured out a lot of things how to change yourself, how to work on yourself, how to set goals, how to change habits, et cetera. Work on yourself, how to set goals, how to change habits, et cetera, and that's my area of expertise, but that doesn't mean that I have no areas to work on and we every single human being on this earth we are always works in progress and the main point of this podcast, first folks, is to make you realize where well the friend actually continued his feedback and he said that because you seem like this infallible human being, this perfect human being, it's very hard to connect with you, and that's why he also gave me some feedback on my social media. That's why probably your social media posts and everything that you create doesn't get that much engagement, because you come out without personal stories of mess, of work in progress. You come out as this perfect human being, like an encyclopedia. Why is it all figured out? And it's very hard, as you probably know from your experience, to relate to this encyclopedic kind of knowledge. We need the stories, we need to see the struggle, we need to feel compassion for the hero of the story, and I was creating this aura content around myself that I was perfect, even though I never was and never will be as long as what I understand from human history. Nobody is alive here today having it all figured out. We are always working on things and me, including my relationships, navigating my life's journey, my business, things that are in my self-character, traits that are stopping me from making progress faster. A lot of work, and if I meet you in person, I'm going to tell you quite a few stories. For now, telling them through my newsletter, by the way, the link to subscribe to my newsletter where I share stories and the takeaways and a lot of the information I'm sharing here with you, you also get in written form with more resources and links in my newsletter. So check it out. You can subscribe, check it out. If you love it, stay. If not, you can always unsubscribe. I'm writing my newsletter daily. It has been going for 22 days of May exactly.

Building Deep Relationships Through Vulnerability

Speaker 1 8:47

But anyhow, back to vulnerability. So what's the practical advice and tip for you? First of all, understand that that messiness, that vulnerability, opening up and being okay with being seen fully 360 degrees, with all the mess and all this is what people will fall in love with. This is what people will fight for. This is what people will cherish, adore and find the most interesting and fascinating in you. Those imperfect parts, work in progress parts of you. Perfect parts, work in progress parts of you. So realize that and, first of all, allow them to come out and look into them. Don't deny them, but look into those sides of you that you're working on and start loving them, accepting them fully yourself. And, by the way, accepting something doesn't mean you don't want to change it or you cannot work on that. I just mean accepting them and understanding that that's the nature of humanity, of human beings. We always have something to work on, some biases, some blind spots, some patterns that we got from our childhoods that are no longer working for adults that we've become. So accept, let this work-in-progress side of you be seen, starting with yourself, and then start sharing this with other people. Give you an example Yesterday I went for my morning walk and after my walk, when I was coming back, in our yard of our apartment buildings, there was a lady.

Speaker 1 10:32

Her name is Colette and she has a cat. So I was just really admiring the cat. I call Puffy and Fluffy and her name, the name of the cat, is Cleo and I asked about the cat and then asked the name of the lady, of Colette, and we started a conversation and I shared with her one of my vulnerable stories. Where I'm still struggling and working on is building deeper connections and relationships has been a struggle for me, like when I was a kid. My parents left their homes. They didn't develop a community, they didn't develop social networks. They didn't develop social networks, they didn't develop deep friendships, because they moved and then they never really worked on that part of that side of their life and so they never taught me these social skills, and we also moved from one part city of the other, and then, as a grown up, I started this digital nomad lifestyle and I did it for 15 years. So I didn't develop the skills or didn't put time and energy into developing deeper relationships and because of that, after 15 years, I realized, oh my God, I don't even have this rooting of relationships and I started to really feel it. You know, that loneliness, that almost floating state, and the quality of my life decreased a lot, no matter what I would do, and that is something that I'm still figuring out, and I shared that with her.

Speaker 1 12:02

And then she shared her story about how they, with her family, moved out for some time out of South Africa and had to move back and being reintegrated into the community, and she felt like there is still this gap, and the reason why I'm telling you this story is that's how you share your vulnerable self, your work-in-progress self. This is not something that I've already figured out and I know it all. This is not something that I've already figured out and I know it all. This is something I'm working on and as I was speaking to Colette, I told her about this and basically was saying, if you have suggestions, or she also manages a community here in the building and she organizes some events to get people together to build connections, and she organizes some events to get people together to build connections. And I told her, yeah, definitely add me to the group and let's do this event on June 8th. No-transcript. This is important.

Speaker 1 13:02

This defines also, based on all of the research, defines the quality of your life, of your health, how fulfilling your life is going to feel. Even your business or your career achievements they're not going to feel good unless you have deep, strong relationships, friendships, people who truly care about you and who you truly care about. Friendships people who truly care about you and who you truly care about. So I shared this story with Colette as a part of me being a work in progress and me putting myself out there, sharing the vulnerable part of my life that I'm working on Also asking and being okay with accepting help, like, yes, there is this community that you're building, these events, then make me a part of it. I also do walks every night, so let's figure out how we can build community perhaps around that. And I also I felt like my day got so much richer because of this interaction.

Speaker 1 14:01

And that's what deep social connections do to us. They create this richness of life and, yes, they require investment of your energy, of your time, and, yes, you will have to go through this vulnerable stage of opening up, of showing your true self, which is not perfect, which is messy, which is work in progress, but that's where you get the most fulfillment from all other areas of your life. And they even show in research and studies and that has been confirmed by all the data on the longest happiest, most fulfilled people living till this day that deep relationships is what separates them from the rest Having a circle of friends, a circle of people with whom they maintain deep connections and they do things together and they support each other in good times and even more so in bad times, which will have plenty of each of us in our life. So the practical piece and takeaway from this, folks is start building deeper connections, deeper relationships. And how do you do so? Actually, not that complicated Tell stories about your true self, about your vulnerable self, about your work in progress, self Open up about things that you are working on, instead of portraying, instead of fronting this perfect side of you that has it all figured out.

Speaker 1 15:36

So if you are on the other side of this microphone and you feel like you're lacking deep connections in your life, look at the way you interact with other people and the stories you tell other people about your life. If you're fronting your perfect side, trying to make it look like you're successful, has it all figured out and you have no concerns and problems, everything is just good, you know, it's okay. So if you're portraying that all the time, 100%, and nobody ever sees your vulnerable side, don't be surprised that nobody will show you their vulnerable side, and don't be surprised that you, like myself, might have a huge gap in this area of deep, fulfilling relationships. And hey, sometimes people even get married and have kids together and live for years and never open up and still feel like there is this lack of depth in their relationship. So the front doesn't always says what's inside, just like the packaging doesn't always tell you how good the product is. Yesterday, speaking about small things, I bought this coffee with salty caramel flavor. I'm like that tastes so good, but I got it and didn't really have anything special that I expected. I could also speak here about expectations, but that's for another day, for another story.

Speaker 1 17:06

So the takeaway of today's guys deep relationships are going to define the quality of your life, the quality of your achievements, the happiness, the joy, and in order to build those relationships, you need to start opening up about your vulnerable, messy, work in progress-progress sides. And the way to do that is very simple Start telling stories about the messy parts, work-in-progress parts of your life and on your work. Don't overshare, don't take all of the space, but when the moment comes, when it's appropriate, talk about your feelings, talk about the things that you're working on and how they impacted your life. Talk about all of that and people will do as well. It's a reciprocation game. Once you open up, people will open up to you, and that has been working for me really beautifully. I'm starting to develop really deep, good like fulfilling connections with people around me, not having spent a lot of time with them, but making sure that those times that we do spend together. They count and they are true and deep, and we both, or whoever is in the conversation in this situation, have the chance to show our true self in this safe space that we create together. That's it for today, folks.

Speaker 1 18:34

I hope you found this podcast insightful and helpful and you'll take some time to think about what you heard and how it might be true for you and where you have space for improvement. And you might say, you know well, this podcast wasn't exactly about communication, but wasn't it? Funny thing is relationships, all the relationship to yourself and to the world, to others. It's all about communication, how and what you communicate, and so today was about building deeper connections, relationships that last faster, by telling the stories about your vulnerable, your work in progress, your messy self and it also takes some time to get it when it comes to communicating it well, but you'll know when you start getting good at it, when, first of all, you start feeling the conversation like in your heart, in your chest, and then also when you see other people opening up to you about what also feels like their vulnerable parts. That's it for today, folks.

Speaker 1 19:50

Use this information, take some time to reflect, maybe even journal a little bit for five minutes about what you heard and how you can do better in front of telling vulnerable stories in different relationships where you don't feel you have fulfillment whether that's personal, maybe your marriage, maybe your partner, whether that's professional relationships, whether that's friendships See where you can open up and what you've been hiding. What you can open up about. It also, by the way, will give you energy back, because holding that back and not showing that and always having your guards up, that actually takes a lot of energy to resist or to hide or to always being conscious of not showing certain parts of you. It takes a lot of energy. So once you release that energy and actually open up, you feel like a whole flow of energy, like there's been this fountain that you've never discovered. So that's also a bonus side of telling all these stories, all the vulnerable and messy and work in progress stories about yourself. Time to wrap it up, or I can talk about that forever. Remember your vulnerable stories, accept your vulnerable sides of self, start sharing and showing that to other people.

Speaker 1 21:13

If you have feedback, please feel free to reach out. Use the button text button somewhere in the show notes, especially on Spotify. You can actually text me and then use email Angela at brainbreakthroughcoachcom to start sharing your stories and give me feedback. And don't forget, guys, we don't run any ads and the best, the most exciting thing you can do for me is to share this feedback at least with one person, and if you tag me on social media, that would be super awesome. So share this podcast with at least one person on in whichever way works for you, because how many of us walking with fronting this perfect side, feeling unfulfilled in so many areas of our lives because we don't take time to tell stories and open up, and that's why we feel shallowness and loneliness. So share this with at least one other person who might need it. And till next time, till the next podcast in a couple of days that also gonna be about communication Stay tuned and stay vulnerable by telling the right kind of stories.